First, there’s the attempt to pee.

Gideon is a big and active boy and is very enthusiastically bouncing on my full bladder. In order to properly empty everything I would have to stand on my head so he floats to the top of my ribcage. Sadly, this is impossible because of…well, gravity so I am reduced to rocking and rolling my hips around. This seems to roll Gideon around like a baby-shaped rolling pin and flattens different parts of my bladder. I huff and puff and nearly touch my forehead to the floor while dislocating my already loose hip joints until I am vaguely relieved.

Now I sit on the edge of my bed and begin the Medication Ritual. I begin with the nasal spray and gag at the drip like a newbie heroin addict. Then I carefully dose out my 1 giant fiber supplement, 2 chewable Spiderman vitamins and 4 Rolaids. It tastes like I have a mouthful of sidewalk chalk in varying flavors of “berry”. This is followed by 2 anti-nausea pills so that I will throw up at 9:00 AM and not at 3:00 AM.

Carefully, I sniff to see which nostril is working properly. The left seems to be clear so I will begin the night on my left side. Methodically, I begin to stack my 928 pillows in the correct order and angles. Ben has finished his nightly rituals and is now watching me. I notice The Look in his eyes and raise an eyebrow. Frankly, he touched me 7 months ago and I’m paying the consequences now. He sighs and snuggles down into the 1/8 inch sliver I have generously allowed him on our california king sized bed. I gingerly lie down and position myself correctly into the pillow nest. The comforter has been arranged to graze my toes and the sheet is folded down at the proper 2 inches. I cover up my chest, leave my back open, arrange the corner over my ever increasing rear end and tuck my toes into the comforter. The pillows are blocking just enough of the two fans to create an indirect breeze over my skin. I pull down my sleeping mask and try to relax.

*poke* “Mom?” *poke poke poke* “Mom, I don’t like it when you press me against the bed.” *poke poke kick* “Mama, I’m getting squished! Plus, you stopped moving! I like it when you walk around and make me swish around in the amniotic fluid!” *poke kick poke kick KICK KICKKICKKICK* “I have an idea! Why don’t you get up and walk around a bunch to make me swish again. Then you can go and eat chips and salsa. Doesn’t that sound good?! It’s only 12:30 AM, Mama!”

*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh* *THUMP* “Mama? Dada? Ah! AH! Babamadamaboodamamamamama!” There’s Sophie over the monitor, right on cue. It sounds like she’s finished her pommel horse routine and is now starting her monologue. How lovely.

*HOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOONK* And there’s the 1:00 AM train letting us know that they are passing the train tracks.

*snooooooooore* Ben, if you don’t turn over then you’ll be sleeping in the backyard.

Ah.

Silence.

How nice…I think I can drift off now…Gid’s finally calmed down…I can focus on the white noise of the fans…this is nice.

*sigh*

I have to pee again.