OK, went in to see Sophia like I do every day. Talked to her nurse who says that Sophia is now constantly demanding her bottles at every feeding time. The doctor has moved her to nipple-nipple-gavage feeding rotations and may up her to nipple feedings every time by tomorrow or Wednesday. The nurse thinks that this is VERY possible and could mean that Sophie will be coming home on Friday or Saturday. This is exciting news.

Then we get a call. My wonderful husband calls to say that he can’t come and pick me up from the hospital. Why? That’s right. He thinks he’s getting sick. He rarely ever gets sick but has an annual bout of nasty cold stuff that he’s dealt with for years. It chose this week to show up. He and his daughter both share a talent for Bad Timing as well as having to have one foot out of the covers when they sleep.

Friends and family, I may be calling on you for assistance this week. Please put your tennis shoes on now.

Ben and I went to see Sophia this morning after church. We arrived right at 11:00 and I expected to see her nurse trying to give her a bottle. As we came in the door, her nurse was feeding another baby and Sophie was in her bassinet. I figured that her nurse was finishing up and possibly waiting to see if I would like to feed her. The nurse working this morning is our favorite out of the bunch. She looked up and grinned when she saw us. She said that Sophie had woken up at 10:30 and demanded a bottle. She ended up eating 50 ml in 10 minutes; burp time included. We were ecstatic! Sophie wanted to eat and ate more than what they are giving her! (45 ml.) We cuddled her for about an hour while talking to the nurse. She told us more about what we should expect on the day Sophie gets to go home. She suggested we go ahead and get bottles, changing supplies and be ready for Sophie to come home soon. I know to trust what the doctors and nurses say because they are not going to sugarcoat anything just to keep me happy. They know babies and can recognize when real progress is being made. I called tonight to see how the rest of her day went. She woke up early for her 5:00 feeding demanding her bottle again and ended up eating 52 ml!! Ben and I are walking on air. The nurse said that she will probably start doing 3 nipple feedings in a row and then a gavage feeding. This is amazing progress in one week. We’re excited to see what will happen in the next week.

Sophie is still doing well and we are seeing progress every day. She is fed every three hours. (8:00 AM, 11:00 AM, 2:00 PM, 5:00 PM and so on through the night.) Every other feeding is a bottle. (The 11:00 and 5:00 feedings.) She is being fed 45 - 50 ml of breastmilk mixed with vitamins and high calorie formula. For the last 2 days she has taken between 30 and 40 ml at every bottle feeding time. This is WONDERFUL progress. She is also gaining weight after losing and going under 5 pounds. As of today she is up to 5 pounds 4 ounces. She’s gaining almost an ounce a day. They will up her feeding amount as she grows bigger. She’s also showing promising signs like fussing if she’s getting hungry and sucking her pacifier to soothe herself until she gets her bottle. The nurses have all said that we’re just waiting for that little switch in her head to go “Hey, I’m hungry!” and start demanding bottles. Compared to where she was last week, this is amazing progress. Her jaundice is steadily going away and she has more energy. She’s a little over one week old and would be in her 35th week if I was still pregnant.

Speaking of weight, I have noticed that ever since the day she was born my waist line drastically changed. I was even able to start wearing my pre-pregnancy jeans this week. I finally dug out our old scale just to get an idea. It’s claiming that I’ve lost nearly 30 pounds since I was weighed going into labor. That’s one effective diet plan. Deliver the baby and start breastfeeding! I have more energy than I’ve had in months and I’m really enjoying it. I’m able to cope with getting up to pump in the middle of the night and still do chores during the day. I’m eager to see how this is going to go when Sophie is home with me.

As always we are still praying and we’re asking you to join us.

KC: I always had it rough because my name rhymes with everything.

RB: It doesn’t rhyme with Fred.

KC: …touche.

Dear Sophie,

It’s been one whole week since you came into this world. You really surprised us, little one! Your daddy and I have been looking forward to seeing your face for almost 9 months. We just didn’t expect to see you so soon. After you were first born, the doctor put you on my chest and began cleaning you off. The blanket was too far up and I was at a weird angle. The only part of you that I could see was your tiny right hand waving around. I put my finger to your palm and you gripped hard. With that tiny grip, I felt a flood of love that nearly crushed me. The nurses cleaned and checked you out and then brought you back to me all wrapped in a blanket. I held you and finally got to see your face. You opened your eyes and tried to focus on everything around you. You became really quiet and relaxed. I’m glad I can be a safe haven for you. You can always come to Mama if you need that safety.

Well, eating is still your Waterloo. Once you start taking your whole bottle at every feeding and start gaining weight then we can take you home. I know that bottle is tough and wears you out. You just need to get a little bigger. After all, you’re still supposed to be inside Mommy’s tummy right now. It’s OK if it takes you a while. Your daddy and I are willing to wait for you. You are worth it. The doctors are giving you more food at each feeding and have increased the calories to see if you start gaining weight. You’re a tiny little thing and we need to fatten you up. So, eat up!

We went to see you last night and you had the hiccups. AGAIN. Little one, you always have the hiccups! Your daddy and I could not stop giggling at you. When you heard our voices you started looking around wildly trying to find us. I took your temperature and Daddy changed your diaper. You weren’t too thrilled with that but you calmed down when I wrapped you up and put you on Daddy’s lap. You focused on his face and just stared at him while he stared back. Your daddy adores you. He has pictures of you up at work that he shows to everyone. He bragged about you to anyone who would listen at church. If you ever want anything, it probably won’t be hard to convince your daddy to get it for you up to and including ponies, cars and the head of Bill Gates.

You have completed my life when I didn’t even know it was missing something. God is watching over you and will keep you safe. There is a lot of prayer behind you, Little One. Come home soon.

Love,
Mama

My nesting instinct seems to have kicked in. Or my brain is just trying to keep busy so I don’t go crazy. I’ve done laundry, dishes, packed and unpacked boxes, cleaned the kitchen and I’m forcing myself to sit down to lunch now.

Here are some things that have made me smile in the past week. (Not counting the obvious.)

- My husband snuggling madly to me every night we’ve been home. Those nights in the hospital were hard on both of us.

- The look on my cat’s face when I pump. She’s getting really curious.

- How a simple question can seem wonderful one week and completely insulting the next.

- Finding out that our friends are expecting their own little one in August. That’s two girlfriends now. Sophie is going to have a few friends very near in age.

- Looking at 0-3 months clothing and marveling at how BIG they are when just two weeks ago they seemed tiny.

- Finding out that my daughter consistently takes all of her bottle at 11:00 AM every day. She knows how to do this. This is good progress.

- Looking at the zillion tiny bottles of milk in my fridge. I can feed my baby and that makes me feel mighty.

Day 5 in the NICU and Sophie is still doing well. She is out of the phototherapy and looks a lot better. Her eyes are clear and her skin is pink again. They’ll keep checking her bilirubin levels to see if they can stay down. This is nothing new for our family. My sister has dealt with jaundice for years. It makes you really tired and is probably what has been affecting Sophie’s eating habits. She finished another full bottle by herself, no gavage feeding needed, today at 11:00. We can see that she knows how to eat. It just wears her little body out. She’s not gaining weight but she isn’t losing a lot either. We just need to fatten her up and get her eating regularly. Then we can bring her home.

The hours at home are long and sometimes it’s all I can do to keep myself busy. If I let myself dwell on Sophie too much, I cry. I ache for my daughter. This feels like one of the hardest things I’ve ever done in my life. I cry out to the Lord for peace and I always receive what I need. It’s usually in the form of my wonderful friends and family. I don’t know what I would do if I didn’t have my husband and my mother. Both have helped me keep a tenuous hold on my sanity over the last 5 days. They don’t let me wallow in sadness but instead keep a positive spin on everything that happens. We revel in Sophie’s progress and pray about her every day.

I’m a little all over the map tonight. I just want to keep everyone updated.

Things are going well even with all of the upheaval of the last 5 days. Sophie is still in the NICU but has been moved to the not-so-serious wing. She is pretty jaundiced and is currently undergoing phototherapy to bring her liver levels down. The jaundice has been making her very lethargic and is affecting the way she eats. We really believe that once she has cleared up then she will begin to make real headway in learning to eat. Right now it just tires her out and she can’t finish. She knows how and has even completed one feeding all through the bottle. She’s just too tired to do it every time. So we’ll give her some time under the tanning booth and see what progress can be made after that.

Speaking of eating, she’s going to be on breastmilk now and will supplement with formula if needed. My milk supply has REALLY come in and it’s hard to keep up with it. I feel like I’m constantly pumping and always leaking. (Very attractive.) It’s worth it to give my little girl those good antibodies. We’ve decided not to breastfeed but to pump and use bottles. I don’t want her to have to learn how to eat two different ways before coming home. I just want her to concentrate on taking the bottle and begin gaining weight. Maybe, when she is a little bigger, we’ll try the breast again. She’s still getting the benefits of breastmilk and we still do Kangaroo Care. Today she got the hiccups in the middle of her feeding and we had to stop for 5 minutes until she caught her breath. Ben and I were in tears laughing at her little drunken sounds.

My mother came over today and painted the baby’s room a beautiful light sage green. We’re going to give it another coat and then start hanging things. It’s actually starting to look like a baby’s room! Now we just need some furniture. She won’t need a crib for quite some time but we would like to find a small dresser that can double as a changing table. Hopefully we will have it ready by the time she can come home. As much as I miss her every day, I am thankful that we have this time to prepare for her. We’ve been stocking up on tiny diapers and I’m watching for sales and coupons on changing supplies. We even found some really cute preemie clothes. She now has a couple of things that might actually fit her. My mother has a bassinet that we will use for a while. That’s really all a baby needs, right? A place to sleep, something to eat and poop receptacles.

At first I was disappointed that I wasn’t going to get a baby shower. Then we began talking about it and now we’ve decided that we’re going to throw a huge party when she comes home. We’re even hoping that Ben’s parents get to come down for the shindig. I desperately want to celebrate the arrival of this wonderful creature with all of my friends and family. It’s going to be a blast. I can’t really schedule the party until I know when she is coming home. The doctors can’t give us any time frame to expect her home and it’s really all up to her. We’ll just take it one day at a time.

It’s 3:30 in the morning on Sunday and I’ve just finished pumping. It boggles my mind to see what my body has been capable of doing. Everything from the actual birth to the tiny bottles of milk in my freezer puts me in awe of how God created women. Sophia hasn’t been able to actually breastfeed yet but I’m still able to pump and give her the benefit of the breastmilk. We’re still going to work on it but I’m optimistic. Each time we have tried, she’s cuddled up to me and reached with her hands and her mouth trying to get me. Her favorite place to be is right under my heart and curled around my breast. All of the nurses have noticed that she sleeps best after this “Kangaroo Care”. She coos and sighs while reaching her tiny hands out to touch my face. I feel the most intense love I have ever known. How is that possible when I’ve known her for so short a time?

After her sudden arrival, I went through so many different emotions. I was scared that I would not be able to bond like I wanted because she had to be kept in the nursery. I was angry because I thought maybe I had done something wrong and sent myself into labor too soon. Physically, I was sore and exhausted. I felt out of control of my own body for a long time and that scared me. After she was born, I resented the fact that I had to ask permission to go and see my own child. I couldn’t care for everything yet. The nurses had to take care of her and I felt sidelined. For days I have prayed for God to keep me focused on Him. In response, He’s given me a peace about the whole situation. I praise God that Sophia has minor developmental issues that are keeping her in the hospital and no actual health issues. She breathes on her own with no problem, she makes dirty diapers (and then Daddy cleans them) with good regularity and she’s beginning to gain weight. There are women who go to the NICU and wonder if their child will still be alive the next morning. I’ve never once had to worry about that. My body has bounced back from labor and delivery so quickly. I have energy and very little discomfort. Mostly, I’m just ravenous from the breastfeeding! I have an amazing husband who comforts and supports me through every change. My mother came over and made sure that I came home to a clean house on Saturday. I can’t even begin to describe how that made me feel. I appreciate my mother so much after all of this and it grows every time I hold my child. It feels safe and wonderful to know that my mother has loved me the same ferocious way ever since I was born.

We’re going back to the hospital this morning after church. Sophie just had her IV taken out of her head and we’re going to give her a bath! She was born with a head full of hair and I can’t wait to see how pretty she’s going to look. I’m taking some of the smaller outfits I have and I’ll see what might fit her. Right now she’s in preemie diapers and clothes. We bought a package of diapers last night and we’re going to go look for clothes later today. That giant stockpile of clothes that Ben has been teasing me about for months? Everything seems so big! It’s fun to look at him and say “SEE, I told you I still need to shop!”

Keep us all in your prayers.

I wanted to write this while it is still fresh in my mind. Already things are starting to blur together and I really want to be able to look back on the last couple of days with clarity.

On January 16th at 12:15 AM, I woke up to an odd feeling. I ran (read: waddled) to the bathroom quietly so as not to wake up the husband. When I set foot on the tile and turned on the light…GUSH. I was literally too stunned to move. I just stood there in a puddle for 5 minutes trying to decipher what just happened. I was afraid to say the words aloud because it meant that all of my planning was about to go down the tubes. I opened the door and called out into the darkness.

KC: “Oh my gosh…Honey, I think my water just broke!”
RB: *snnnnnnnnnnnnnnOOOOOOOOOOORRRRRRRRRREEEEEEEEEEE* “…what?”
KC: “I think my water just broke!!”
RB: *silence* “What?”
KC: “BENJAMIN. MY. WATER. JUST. BROKE.”
RB: *thumping as he gets out of the bed to walk over and stare at me* “Really?”
KC: “Yep. I’m pretty sure.”
RB: “…huh…”

That pretty much sums it up. We stood there for 5 minutes just staring at each other and waiting to see what the other thought we should do next. Finally I told him to call the doctor while I took a shower. After fruitless attempts to clean myself up and keep myself dry, I finally put on 2 pairs of pants and a ratty t-shirt. I quickly threw together a hospital bag - I wasn’t planning on packing this until the first week in February - and tried to calm down. We got a hold of the doctor who said to come on in and we called my mother who said to keep her updated. The whole drive to the hospital was in near silence punctured by us looking at each other and trying to believe that this was happening. Now. At 34 weeks. ON THE SAME DAY OF AN OB APPOINTMENT AT 4:00.

We got to the hospital and I was admitted into Labor and Delivery. They hooked me up to the monitors and began giving me fluids and antibiotics. I was dilated to a one and the baby was still very high. There were no contractions. I wasn’t in active labor but my water had broken. They told me that I would be staying in the hospital until I gave birth. They wanted me to keep cooking until 35 weeks and then we would have a baby. Ben and I were shocked. We weren’t expecting Sophie until the end of February. We were officially going to have a preemie. These thoughts kept swirling around my head. It was terrifying. Intense prayer and the support of my husband is the only thing that kept me together.

My mother and sister showed up a little after 10:00 that morning. When they showed up, Ben went home to rest, grab the many things we had forgotten and feed the cat. (Who evidently did not take too kindly to seeing only the “mean human” come home without his counterpart. She barfed behind the couch in protest.) My mother and sister stayed with me and kept me talking. It’s wonderful to have such an amazing family. Erin has been in and out of hospitals since she was 13 so we enjoyed this little odd switch. Around 2:00, my doctors and nurses said that I was still not in labor and I was being moved to the antepartum floor. This is for all of the women who are pregnant and are being monitored long term until they have their babies. Ben had come back by this time and we made it up there by 3:00. I finally got to eat and get unhooked from the monitors. However, I was starting to feel a lot of pressure and a little bit of painful contractions. It was nothing I couldn’t handle and the nurses said it was probably just Braxton Hicks contractions. Everything is simply amplified after your water breaks and they kept giving me mild medications. By 8:00 that night…I knew that something very different was happening. I could barely breathe through the horrible back labor and I was in tears from the pain. My nurses came and checked me again. Lo and behold, I was dilated to a three. This was no longer false labor. Back down to Labor and Delivery I went.

When I came back down, I found out that my doctor didn’t want me to have an epidural just yet. (I was begging.) She wanted to make sure that this was the Real Deal. I got a shot of Stadol that made me high as a kite but didn’t touch the pain. After an hour of that and watching me writhe around in pain while moaning loudly, they quickly decided to give me the epidural. My mother was back at the hospital and we were set to go. The epidural knocked out the pain and I fell asleep hard. The next thing I remember is waking up at midnight to NO FEELING WHATSOEVER below my waist. It’s surreal! It’s like a giant shot of Novacaine. I knew my feet were there but I couldn’t move them. Ben had zonked out also and my mother had gone home after seeing that nothing was happening. I was afraid of being sent back to wait again. I dozed on and off while the nurses made their rounds. Finally they checked me around 4:30 AM and said that I was dilated to a four. No real changes, no real contractions and no real reason to be worried. My doctor would be in that morning and we would talk about it then. My nurse reassured me that I could sleep and just relax. I fell asleep.

Around 5:15 AM, the nurses came charging back into my room. Anxiously, they began to check me out. The nurse explained that they had been seeing some wicked contractions on the monitor. The resident looked up and said with shock in her voice, “Oh my GOD, she’s at a NINE. Get her doctor here NOW.” Ben heard this from a deep sleep and immediately shot awake. We frantically called my mother and she booked it to the hospital. She and my doctor BARELY made it in time. They had me up in the stirrups, I pushed twice and at 6:38 AM on January 17th…my beautiful daughter was born into the world.

Words cannot describe what I am feeling right now. My proverbial cup is overflowing with the most intense joy I have ever felt. I love my Sophia with a fire that I can barely understand. I look at her beautiful face and I am captivated by the knowledge that she is undeniably mine; a priceless gift from God. More will come later. Keep yourself tuned in.