It’s happened again. I remember doing this when Sophie got home, too. I’ve been marking time in 3 hour increments for the last 3 weeks and I’m exhausted. I knew it was coming but there’s not a whole lot you can do to prepare.

I just want to sleep.

Really sleep, ACTUAL sleep. I want to slip into REM sleep and not be jarred awake 10 minutes later by a screaming little boy.

I want to go to bed at 10:00 PM and not wake up until 8:00 AM. I’ve been so tired that I nearly dropped Gideon and I randomly stumble into walls.

I know it won’t last. I know he’ll sleep through the night eventually. I know I’m being a whiny-butt-baby about the whole thing. That’s why I’m trying to vent here and not to everyone around me.

Just ignore this. I’ll be fine.

Today on the Oprah show, moms from all over spoke about mom-issues. One topic was brought up that really struck a cord. They were discussing how women are so critical of each other. This is something that I haven’t really run into yet, probably because I don’t interact with a lot of other women. The women I am around are either family or very good friends. This blog is not very well known and I’m lucky enough to have had no “trolls” or other not-so-savory people commenting on my life.

It’s no secret that I am a Christian and I am a stay-at-home-mom. I was married on May 25th and then found myself pregnant with a honeymoon baby almost immediately. 10 months after my daughter was born, I found out that we were pregnant again and this time we were having a boy. My husband is a freelancer and works at home. We discipline our daughter lovingly and have no problem with spanking. Now, because she doesn’t have the cognitive capacity to understand that yet, we don’t spank yet because we can’t explain why she’s getting a spanking. I have every intention of bringing my children up in the Church. I intend to raise my daughters to dress modestly and my boys to be gentlemen. I make sure my daughter eats right but I don’t have any problem with giving her a cookie every now and then. I keep her on a sleep schedule but I am flexible enough to realize that sometimes life gets in the way of a regiment. Ben and I have still not decided whether we will circumcise our son. We’re considering switching to cloth diapers for both kids. I hold my husband up as the head of this family and let him make the final decisions for nearly all of our family decisions. I follow God first, my husband second and my family third. I consider myself a submissive wife and feel that to be in keeping with God’s word. Ben and I have decided to let God decide when our children are born and He will dictate how many we have.

Do I think that everyone in the world should act the same as me or make all of the same choices? No. These are the choices I have made in my life and I am not ashamed. There are a lot of people who would have a serious problem with a lot of my choices. I have actually had people tell me that, now that I’m having a boy, that I should stop having children or at least wait longer to have a third child. These are people that I love and respect. I know that they love me and want nothing but the best for me and my family. Ultimately, the decision is mine and I defer all of my decisions to the Lord. I welcome opinions and advice and I hope that I accept both graciously. I listen to other women make a lot of choices that would be totally wrong for me but I understand that I don’t know everything about them. They are making the choices that need to be made for their family. I find that admirable.

I guess what I’m trying to say is that we are all different. The next time you feel the need to say something derogatory about another person’s decision, take a moment to understand that you don’t know everything about them. Instead of tearing them down, lift them up to the Lord. Pray that their heart, ears and eyes are all open to the Lord and that He will give them discernment in their life. Being a mother…heck, LIVING is a tough job and it would be a lot easier if we were more uplifting to those around us.

But hey, I’m not telling you to do anything.

God answered a large prayer request and Ben now has a new computer. This means that I’ll be able to blog again. I’m very excited about this and I want to be here more often. Let me get my ducks in a row and you’ll be hearing more from me very soon.

Many moons ago, I felt a message from the Lord telling me that He might ask me to move away from my comfort zone and that I should follow without hesitation. The only time I have ever lived further than 30 minutes away from my family is when I attended Texas Tech for half a semester in 1998. Almost my entire family lives here in Dallas including parents, grandparents, siblings with families, aunts, uncles, cousins and so on. This is VERY different from the Dyer family who currently has parents in Indiana, grandparents in Pennsylvania, and siblings in Amman. God began to give me thoughts and later urges to move away from Dallas. I told Ben and we decided to keep our ears, eyes and hearts open to this possibility.

When Ben lost his job, we naturally began to look around for other positions. He has been doing some contract work and we’re keeping afloat. God has kept a roof over our heads, food on our table and has provided Sophie with medical insurance. He is faithful and continues to give Ben work. I have never felt the call to go back to work myself. God still wants me at home to take care of Sophie and Ben. This was hard at first because I felt a little useless. Now I realize how much I am helping Ben succeed at his job by taking care of things he doesn’t like and things that are hard for him so he can concentrate on his work.

For months now, we have also felt God telling each of us that He might ask us to change churches. We came together and prayed and felt the Lord leading us to Lifechurch.tv. Craig Groeschel has spoken at Fellowship Church before and we really liked him. We started attending the internet campus because there is not a physical campus near to us. It’s amazing how God immediately began speaking to us from the very first message. We knew that this is where we are supposed to be. Out of curiosity and while exploring their site, I found a job opening that seemed to fit Ben. I prayed and then showed Ben.

Long story short - too late! - Ben is now doing contract work for Lifechurch and has applied for a full time job. The job would move us to Edmond, Oklahoma. When we began talking about this possibility in August, we both were hit with a real WANT from God. We want to go to Oklahoma. We want for Ben to get this job. We want to attend this church and get more involved. We have been praying for this since the middle of August.

Now I’m asking you, Gentle Readers, to pray for us. The Bible tells us that if we ask for something then God will give it to us but ONLY if we are persistent and ONLY if it is in His will. We truly believe that this is God’s will and we have been asking persistently. Prayer is our mightiest weapon and we’re asking you to join us in this specific prayer. Please pray that God will grant Ben this job and send us to Edmond. Pray that we will have the discernment to see God working and follow Him even if it doesn’t make sense right away to us.

Thank you for your love and support.

Last Sunday we had a guest pastor at church. Craig Groeschel is the pastor of Lifechurch.tv and is an amazing preacher. The sermon was called “Choked Up” and was all about worry. This struck me right in my heart and I have been carrying the lessons in the front of my mind since then. He spoke about how we as imperfect humans constantly commit the sin of worry. The Bible tells us not to be anxious but rather to cast all of our problems on the Lord. Some of us - myself included - like to give our problems to the Lord but will take them back if we think He’s not doing it right or fast enough. How delusional to think that I have more control over my life than God?! Craig hit three main points.

1) Do what the Lord tells you to do.
2) Remember what the Lord has done in the past and keep that positive reminder in your mind at all times.
3) Leave everything else up to the Lord.

Ben was let go two weeks ago. When he called and said that he was coming home early and told me why, I sat on the floor and cried. I asked the Lord why this was happening. How were we going to take care of Sophie? I began to frantically think about finding an admin job somewhere just to keep us afloat. I was terrified of having to go back to work because I feel that God has called me to stay at home and take care of my family. Why was He making it so this was the only option? Ben and I talked that night, prayed that night and then continued that for days. Finally, I gave up and gave all of my fears to God. A peace fell over me and has not left. I knew that God did not want me to go and grab the first job I could find. He wants me at home to take care of my family. I began to search out other ways to help. I signed us up for WIC / TANF / Medicaid and I’ll find out those results next week. The Salvation Army gave us almost the entire amount to cover our electric bill. They also gave us formula, baby food and a big box of other food. Ben got a severance check that covered rent and other bills. We ordered an Angel Food box that we’ll pick up on Saturday. Ben has also signed up for unemployment, has 2 freelance jobs and went on two interviews today. Our insurance will last through the end of the month but Sophie is almost guaranteed Medicaid. We are fed, healthy, clothed and we have a roof over our heads. Most importantly, we are together.

Every day I get up and pray that God shows me what to do just for that day. I let Him take care of tomorrow. I hug and kiss my husband and baby girl. I praise Him for what he has done. If I get scared then I pray for the peace that I know will always come. I have never felt so safe. I have never felt so loved. I trust my Father to take care of everything because I know He loves me.

Are you worried about something? Cast it on the Lord and don’t ever take it back.

On Saturday morning, Ben and I started off to Oklahoma City. We planned to leave no later than 6:00 AM. When we left the house at 7:00 AM, I realized that we hadn’t put the toiletries bag in the trunk. So we went back. Then we got breakfast and some cash. I got the largest croissant I’ve ever seen at 7-11. I went to take a picture of it…and realized that I forgot my phone. So we went back. Again. We finally actually left at 8:00 AM. By this time, Ben had a twitch over his left eye and was muttering under his breath. But we were underway!

Ben and I love long drives together. We had a good time making fun of random signs and other cars. Our geek levels seem to rise anytime we’re alone. Ben also had his first chance to play with his new iPhone. We relaxed and I slowly started to feel OK about leaving Sophie. We got into Oklahoma City around 11:30 and Ben finally allowed me to call my mother. He was determined to keep me from obssesively calling every 10 minutes to see if Sophie had pooped.

Our first stop was the Science Museum of Oklahoma. I loved playing with all of the hands-on exhibits. Ben said it looked like I regressed back to 8 years old as soon as we walked in the doors. We were there for over 3 hours. We ate lunch and saw a movie in the Omnidome about the Grand Canyon. (PREACHY.) Basically, we got to be complete science wonks together. Nothing strengthens a marriage more.

We freshened up at the hotel and then went to Bricktown. We rode the River Taxi and got teased by the driver for being Texans. We had dinner at a pretentious Italian place and went to a Redhawks game. I love going to ballgames with Ben. This one was slightly marred by a drunk idiot who kept screaming at the players and looking down my shirt. The Redhawks won and we went back to the hotel. We had gotten a room with a giant Jacuzzi tub and I wanted to have a bubble bath. What I didn’t realize was that the bubble bath would triple with the bubble jets of the Jacuzzi. After 10 minutes, I nearly drowned in bubbles. Ben could not stop laughing at me. I have decided that we need a Jacuzzi here at home. I seriously considered telling Ben to carve it out of the room and stick it on top of the car. No one would notice.

We slept in on Sunday morning. I haven’t slept any later than 7:00 in the last 6 months. It was SPECTACULAR. Ben and I lazed around and then packed the car. We stopped for breakfast and then went to see The Dark Knight. If you haven’t seen it yet, GO SEE IT NOW! After lunch at a local pizza place we went to the Oklahoma City Memorial. I remember where I was when it happened. I was sitting in French class during my sophomore year. It’s the first real threat that felt…well threatening to me. It felt so close to home. The memorial was quiet and reverent. We sat and talked for a while. I like that we can have fun together but still be serious together.

We left for Texas after that and had a good drive home. We got to my mother’s and Sophie had been asleep for about an hour. Picking up that tiny, sleeping baby made my heart nearly leap out of my chest. I had a wonderful time but I really did miss my baby. We’ve decided to take more weekend trips. Any suggestions?

Ben and I are going to Oklahoma City this weekend. I told him that I would only leave my child for a maximum of 2 days so he had to pick something in that radius. We left her at my mother’s house last night. This is my first time away from my child since we brought her home from the hospital. Driving home last night reminded me of those nights driving away from the hospital with Sophie in the NICU. I cried while putting her to sleep, cried while driving home and cried before going to sleep. I know she’ll be fine and I know that I’ll enjoy this time with my adorable husband. It’s still a little hard.

I’ll have stories when we come back on Sunday night!

I apologize for leaving everyone hanging like that. I’ve been meaning to blog for quite some time but I’m finding it harder and harder to keep up with it.

I’ve saw my doctor about 3 weeks ago and she listened to everything I had to say. After asking me what worked last time, she suggested we start there. I’ve been on the meds for 3 weeks now and I can see a difference already. I still have occasional anxiety attacks but I’m sleeping better and the depression is lifting. I can work around the house and enjoy my time with Ben and Sophie. Volunteering at the church during the week is going to help, too. I went twice last week and really felt like I helped. This week I wasn’t able to go because of a nasty stomach bug. I’m hoping that it runs it’s course very soon.

Sophie started eating baby food this week. She LOVES oatmeal and eats it twice a day. She’s tried sweet potatoes, carrots, prunes, applesauce, bananas and apple banana yogurt. Oddly enough, her favorite things are prunes and carrots. I’m being sparing with the prunes for obvious reasons. (OH. MY. LORD. The diapers…) She’s on a pretty regular schedule and takes her naps with little or no fussing. She’s also at the stage where I can put her down on a blanket with some toys and she can amuse herself. Usually this means flinging the toys away and chewing on her foot but at least she’s occupied. She’s also started chattering ALL DAY LONG. It gets louder if Ben and I try to have a conversation. She blows raspberries and squeals when she’s happy.

A friend once talked about all of the time saving devices we as mothers have these days. We can set the washer, dryer and dishwasher going and then go sit down for a break. I’ve been trying to teach myself to not feel guilty for taking these breaks. I’ve started a couple of new series and authors. I finally finished the Mark of the Lion series and I’m eagerly awaiting anything else by Francine Rivers. I’ve also started reading books by Beverly Lewis. It’s interesting to read about the Amish community from a Christian point of view. I also finally gave in and read Twilight. I LOVED it and now I’m hooked. I can’t wait for the other books to come in so I can begin devouring them! Right now I’m reading her stand alone novel, The Host.

We have a big weekend coming up with family back from China and my nephews birthday. I think some new phone is coming out, too. Nothing too exciting there!

Sophie has a pretty predictable schedule. She wakes up around 6:00 and babbles while waiting for me to come and get her. She has her first bottle at 7:00. The rest of the day is usually spent in two hour increments. If Sophie is awake for more than 2 hours she has a meltdown. I watch her carefully for that first big yawn and fuss then carry her back to her crib. She’ll play in her crib and might fuss a little but falls asleep for an hour to an hour and a half. Today I laid her down and came back to the living room where I turned on the monitor. I heard her babbling and slurping on her hands. I dismissed it and told myself “At least she’s resting her body.”

Then my right side went numb, my eye began to twitch and I keeled over because I SOUND JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.

Throughout my life I have dealt with fear and anxiety. Sometimes it was irrational and sometimes I had a reason. Motherhood is fast becoming a big reason.

There are days where Sophie takes her naps, eats her bottles and plays quietly all day long. Those days are few and far between. Most days are spent trying to get her to nap because I can see her little red-rimmed eyes and I know she is so sleepy. I try to give her a bottle because she’s almost chewed her fingers off in hunger. I play with her, lay her down to play by herself and give her toys. All of this is usually met with fits of screams and tears. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel like I’m making it up as I go along. I feel isolated and alone. That’s when the fear hits. My mind races with thoughts;

“You aren’t feeding her enough.”

“She’s not developing correctly and it’s your fault.”

“You can’t protect her from anything.”

“What a horrible mother you are!”

Everything piles up and I end up in tears. The fear is enormous.

Fortunately, God is bigger. I ask him daily to take away my fear and replace it with his peace. I try to follow His rules for parenting knowing that He doesn’t expect me to get it right every time. I watch Sophie grow and thrive. She smiles, kicks and coos every day.

But some days are still hard.