Sophie had a doctor appointment today. I got to take her alone because Ben was attending a lunch. Because we only have one car, my mother came over this morning and I drove her to work. She got to see Sophie hyper and in a wonderful mood. She adores her granddaughter and I think she likes us, too.

After dropping mom off we headed to the doctor’s office. This means that Sophie skipped her morning nap. I plunked her in her stroller and began feeding her a breakfast bar. She also had a sippy cup of her favorite smoothie juice. As soon as we sat down, a little boy came up and just stared at her. Then he started touching her. Then he tried to take her toy, her breakfast and her sippy cup and tried to get into my purse. When he started to climb into the basket of the stroller I stopped being so polite and told him to stop. Finally I heard a mother across the room lazily call his name. She never once came and stopped him but just sat and watched the DVD that was playing. (By the way, now I want to see Madagascar 2.) We got called back and I got to escape the little wretch. Sophie threw her first fit when we tried to lay her on the scale. She weighs 20 pounds and 3 ounces. We think she’s about 32 inches long / tall but by that time she was arching her back and screaming. She’s eating so much but is still very long and lean. We waited a little longer and got called back to a room. She was tired and cranky by this time and nothing I did could placate her. When the doctor came in and tried to examine her…wow. Sophie just lost her mind. He raised the stethoscope once and she screamed directly into it. He snatched it off of his ears but I think they’ll be ringing for a while. She threw us both off when he tried to look into her eyes and ears. It took two nurses and me to hold her down while another nurse gave her 4 shots. (3 in her legs and one in her arm.) I kept watching to see if a horde of angry demons came clawing out of her mouth to attack everyone for damaging their host. I’m pretty sure you could hear her in the parking lot. After that, I had to take her to another man to get her finger pricked. By the time we left, my shirt was covered in snot and tears and Sophie was still heaving with sobs. At home she ate a bottle and passed out in her crib. She’s up now and playing with her Daddy’s socks.

I should be going to my own doctor appointment this week. Hopefully the next post will be all about the new baby.

While she can’t pull herself into a sitting position, Sophie can now sit up unassisted. She’s a little wobbly but it’s wonderful to see her sitting and playing with her toys. She looks more like a little girl instead of my baby. She doesn’t like to be held much anymore. She would rather explore the world around her. She doesn’t crawl but we really don’t think she will. She likes to roll and army crawl to her destination. Every time we look up, she’s somewhere she’s not supposed to be. Under the Jumperoo, the swing, lying under the futon like a mechanic, etc. She loves the TV cabinet with the glass doors. She seems to be trying to get to the things in the cabinet but doesn’t understand the concept of glass. She babbles ALL THE LIVE LONG DAY.

Since she was born early, I’ve always wondered when she would hit her milestones. She’s been early in some regards and late in others. I think some of it is her personality. She likes to do things in her own time. She doesn’t like to be pushed into things. I’ve learned how to balance encouragement with letting her find her way. It’s hard to watch her get frustrated but I keep myself back so she can work it out. I can step in when I see a meltdown coming but she gets even more frustrated when I try to do things for her. Sometimes just a smile and a funny face can encourage her to keep trying.

Every month brings new understanding about motherhood. I relish each new stage and look forward to more. It’s hard to give up some things, like cuddling her to sleep, but I love watching her grow.

Well, Sophie had a rough weekend. Saturday was spent with a bare bottom on towels much to her delight. We put her in a diaper whenever she went down for a nap and used diaper cream with powder. She was in a diaper for no longer than an hour. On Sunday we continued this regiment. I had lots of advice pouring in from my friends (thank you, Laura!!) and decided to go another way. We began using Lotramin on Sunday night in case of a yeast infection. On Monday morning, her heinie was pink! Not red! She didn’t cry at diaper changes and all was getting better. We left her in a diaper and changed her often, using Lotramin each time. Her loose diapers were also slowing down. Saturday was the worst and I think the tummy problems are done now. (Please, be done!) This morning she woke up with a full diaper and the redness had gotten splotchy. She cried again during her diaper change. I threw up my hands and called the pediatrician. We got an appointment at 10:00. The nurse cooed over her and said she’s the prettiest baby she sees. (We always have the same nurse and Sophie loves her.) It took her three tries to get an accurate temperature reading because Sophie kept grabbing the thermometer as the nurse passed it over her forehead. Then we had to change her into a clean diaper. SCREAMS! TEARS! GNASHING OF TEETH! KICKING OF MOMMY! The nurse took one look and cringed. Poor Sophie was miserable. I finally calmed her down as the doctor came in. Sophie talked to her and smiled, showing her two bottom teeth. The doctor gave her a tongue depressor to distract her while she checked her eyes, ears and tummy. She said that Sophie was not dehydrated and I did the right thing by feeding her nothing but formula for a couple of days. It let her tummy get back to normal and kept her well hydrated. It’s always a relief and an encouragement to hear that I’ve done something right. When she took Sophie’s diaper off, her little lip began to quiver. The doctor looked quickly so Sophie didn’t have time to cry. She says that, taking everything into consideration, here’s what happened.

1) Sophie eats vegetable beef dinner and has a bad reaction.
2) Loose diapers cause a bad diaper rash.
3) The diaper rash begins to fade but causes a yeast infection.

She suggested that we keep Sophie in her diapers but change her a little more often. Keep giving her mostly formula but slowly introduce just a few solids a day. (No meats and no fruits that cause more poop.) Use the Lotramin at every change and then Aquaphor over that. Stop using the powder and begin giving her oatmeal baths. She thinks that Sophie will be fine in a couple of days especially now that her diapers are better. Thank you for your advice and prayers. Let’s hope and pray that this will work and Sophie will come back to her happy baby state.

WARNING! CONTAINS GRAPHIC LANGUAGE NOT MEANT FOR CHILDREN! OR PEOPLE WITH WEAK STOMACHS! OR THOSE MORALLY OPPOSED TO READING ABOUT POO!

Teething has been no big deal for Sophie. Her two bottom teeth are now fully in and she never really fussed. If she did fuss a little then a couple of Hyland’s Teething Tablets took care of it. After her last round of shots, it took a couple of doses of Motrin and she was fine. She fought Ben and the nurse while getting her shots but I think she just didn’t like being held down. I guess what I’m trying to say is that Sophie doesn’t usually fuss or cry about physical discomforts. She’s bumped her head on toys and the coffee table and then shakes it off. Sometimes she’ll give us a sharp cry just to let us know that she’s ticked and would very much like us to acknowledge her displeasure. Then we are to GO AWAY and let her continue to explore the world.

Then…the diaper rash came.

For the last couple of days, Sophie has had very “loose diapers”. That’s a little more civilized than saying she’s sounded like an almost empty ketchup bottle. Last night she screamed while I was changing her diaper. I looked and it was bright red. Every diaper change was the end of the world. We took a tepid, moisturizing bubble bath and then let her pass out after her bottle. I consulted my nurse, the internet and - most importantly - my mother. All of them recommended that we let Sophie go au naturel for a day. So this morning when she work up, I changed her diaper while enduring the screams and gave her another bath. Then we put her on a pallet of towels over an old shower curtain. Almost immediately she pooped. Not just any poop…but a nice brown puddle. That she rolled and wallowed in. Over and over again. Gagging, I cleaned the towel and my now fragrant child who then peed on me. We put her in a diaper when it’s time for her to nap. We’re checking and changing her at the first sign of poo. (Every hour.) She’s only getting formula today so the solids can slow down a bit. The washer will probably run all day long. When she’s awake, she’s bare butted on the pallet. She looks like a baboon that’s been shaved. We’re hoping that all of this cures her and we can go back to throwing diapers away instead of washing poo stained towels.

Ah, the joys of motherhood.

Me: “Ma Ma”

Sophie: “Da Da!”

Me: “MAMA!”

Sophie: “DADA!”

Me: “MAMAMAMAMA!”

Sophie: “DADADADADA!”

Me: *sigh* “Da Da.”

Sophie: “Ba ba?”

Sophie’s first tooth poked through her little gums today. It feels like a little needle on her bottom gum. My baby is growing up!

Sophie is almost 5 months old and I’m starting to see her personality begin to break out. Now that she can hold herself up, she has to be upright whenever we’re out. She drinks everything in with eyes the size of dinner plates and grunts and coos at everyone. Yesterday we had to run a few errands. Sophie talked and smiled at the people in the doctor’s office, played with her reflection in the glass at the bank and got to meet two VERY LARGE service dogs at the library. She demonstrates a curiosity about everything and it’s fun to see her react to new things. She loves oatmeal and applesauce but doesn’t care for sweet potatoes. If you take her bottle away from her before she’s ready then she frantically sucks her hand. She likes sucking her right thumb or the ring and middle fingers on her left. Often, she’ll hold her fingers in her mouth with her other hand. She’ll fuss until one of us looks at her and then she’ll break out into a huge smile and giggle. Every day when I go to get her out of her crib in the morning or after a nap, I’m greeted with a huge smile and flailing of arms as if to say “It’s you! I know you! I like you!” She’s discovered her feet and it’s hard to get her to let go of them when changing her diaper. My father-in-law once described trying to change a baby like trying to stuff an octopus into a wet mesh sack. That’s fast becoming true. She prefers her teething rings to any cold teethers and likes chewing on her blankets. She has the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen.

I can’t imagine my life without her and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

I looked at the last post and realized how long it’s been since I blogged. SORRY.

Sophie is getting enormous. We went to the doctor last week and she weighed 12 pounds. I suspect she’s already learned how to climb out of her crib and go get midnight snacks. Her hair gets thicker every day. It won’t be long before I can put a barrette in her hair and then maybe people will stop calling her a boy. Seriously, I get that more than you would think. One old woman asked how old “he” was when I had her butt naked on a changing table in the store. Lady, I don’t know what boys look like where you come from…anyways. She’s eating 6 ounces of formula every 4 hours (sometimes less) and we started baby food yesterday. She eats oatmeal at breakfast and dinner (7 AM and 7PM) then she gets 2 feedings of fruit and 2 of veggie. We’re introducing one new thing a week. I have a wonderful family and a God who takes care of everything. My mother had someone donate about 2 dozen baby foods (ages 6 months and up) that don’t expire until summer 2009. Then my brother cleaned out his kitchen and found even more baby food! When I went to the store yesterday I found baby food on clearance AND a coupon on her oatmeal. She’s tried bananas, applesauce and sweet potatoes. She also has green peas, butternut squash and prunes. (I HAD to get prunes. I’m just too curious.)

The doctor also confirmed that her excessive drooling and hand chewing meant that she is teething. OH JOY. She gets a little fussy every now and then but it’s taken care of with teething rings and Hyland’s Teething Tablets. I’ve heard mothers practically deify these teething tabs and I am now one of them! She drools so much that we have to keep a bib on her at all times. Almost everything she wears has a large half moon drool stain on the front.

Sophie has learned how to suck her thumb and really prefers it to pacifiers. She’ll suck on her right thumb or the fingers on her left hand. I know it’s not supposed to be good for their mouth and that it’s a bad habit to learn how to break but OH MY GOSH SHE IS SO CUTE! I love seeing a sleeping baby with her little thumb in her mouth. She sleeps about 12 hours a night and amuses herself in the morning until I come and get her. She usually takes naps during the day but it varies.

That brings me to her biggest change. We’re seeing her personality come out more and more each day.  Sophie is very curious.  She loves meeting new people and seeing new things.  Last night I took her to Burger King and she was THRILLED with the drink dispenser.  There was kicking, giggling and eyes as wide as dinner plates.  Wherever we take her she has to be sitting up and able to see everything.  However, this curiosity is coupled with a very strong will.  If Sophie wants to do something then HER WILL MUST BE DONE.  If I try to make her do something else then there is screaming, wailing, gnashing of teeth and kicking.  This makes life so terrible at times.  I love this child with every fiber of my being and I have wanted a child for so long.  It’s hard to keep it together when your beloved baby is screaming in your ear and arching her back to get away from you because you’re making her get into the carseat.  She’s also easily overstimulated.  If she is discontented in any way then the world ends in a meltdown of epic proportions.  It gets tough.

She’s 4 months old and I can’t remember a time without her.  She and Ben fill my life with such joy.  I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Sophie has a pretty predictable schedule. She wakes up around 6:00 and babbles while waiting for me to come and get her. She has her first bottle at 7:00. The rest of the day is usually spent in two hour increments. If Sophie is awake for more than 2 hours she has a meltdown. I watch her carefully for that first big yawn and fuss then carry her back to her crib. She’ll play in her crib and might fuss a little but falls asleep for an hour to an hour and a half. Today I laid her down and came back to the living room where I turned on the monitor. I heard her babbling and slurping on her hands. I dismissed it and told myself “At least she’s resting her body.”

Then my right side went numb, my eye began to twitch and I keeled over because I SOUND JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.

Throughout my life I have dealt with fear and anxiety. Sometimes it was irrational and sometimes I had a reason. Motherhood is fast becoming a big reason.

There are days where Sophie takes her naps, eats her bottles and plays quietly all day long. Those days are few and far between. Most days are spent trying to get her to nap because I can see her little red-rimmed eyes and I know she is so sleepy. I try to give her a bottle because she’s almost chewed her fingers off in hunger. I play with her, lay her down to play by herself and give her toys. All of this is usually met with fits of screams and tears. I feel like I can’t do anything right. I feel like I’m making it up as I go along. I feel isolated and alone. That’s when the fear hits. My mind races with thoughts;

“You aren’t feeding her enough.”

“She’s not developing correctly and it’s your fault.”

“You can’t protect her from anything.”

“What a horrible mother you are!”

Everything piles up and I end up in tears. The fear is enormous.

Fortunately, God is bigger. I ask him daily to take away my fear and replace it with his peace. I try to follow His rules for parenting knowing that He doesn’t expect me to get it right every time. I watch Sophie grow and thrive. She smiles, kicks and coos every day.

But some days are still hard.