Well, I’ve stopped going to the psychiatrist and the therapist. Our insurance is changing and I don’t want to get too involved and then switch everything. I’m open to continuing with this therapist. I really like her and it seems like we’re pretty compatible. The psychiatrist though…not so much. Everything is happening just like last time. I went through a period of severe anxiety problems and now I’m beginning to get mired down in depression. I still have anxiety attacks but I am struggling more with the depression. It’s hard to make myself get up and do anything during the day. I constantly fight tears and I don’t enjoy anything. During my first bought with these issues, I took a combination of an anti-depressant and an anti-anxiety drug. They never seemed to work on their own but the combo helped immensely. I keep telling the psychiatrist that the anti-anxiety pill she has prescribed does little more than put me to sleep. It’s nice to get a full night’s sleep but it’s making me drowsy for half the day and does nothing for my anxiety attacks or depression. The psych doctor has diagnosed me (same as last time) with a severe anxiety disorder and major depressive disorder. However, she seems to only be interested in treating the anxiety. I asked her to consider putting me on a different anti-anxiety drug and adding an anti-depressant. She just said that I haven’t gotten the proper dosage and upped it again. I didn’t fill the script and now I’m looking for a different doctor. I’m going to my regular GP next week and I’m hoping she will listen to me better. She always has in the past and I really trust her.

I’m a little disappointed that this psych doctor just brushed off my concerns. It’s not like this is new to me. I know I’m not a doctor but I have gone through this before and I know what works. Shouldn’t that affect what she does? Whenever I’ve told her about the depression getting worse she always asks me if I’m having suicidal thoughts. When I tell her no then she says it’s not an issue. Why do I have to get to such a low point before she’ll treat me?! I’m grateful that this has been caught early enough that I may not get to that point again. I don’t want to have those thoughts again. I want to get treatment while I can still think clearly. There is an edge you can go over and the illness takes over. I hit that bottom and I never want to go back there. That’s why I’m trying to get help now. For my sake, my daughter and my husband I am begging for someone to help me. Please pray that we find the right doctor. God has someone out there and I need to listen to Him.

Sophie is almost 5 months old and I’m starting to see her personality begin to break out. Now that she can hold herself up, she has to be upright whenever we’re out. She drinks everything in with eyes the size of dinner plates and grunts and coos at everyone. Yesterday we had to run a few errands. Sophie talked and smiled at the people in the doctor’s office, played with her reflection in the glass at the bank and got to meet two VERY LARGE service dogs at the library. She demonstrates a curiosity about everything and it’s fun to see her react to new things. She loves oatmeal and applesauce but doesn’t care for sweet potatoes. If you take her bottle away from her before she’s ready then she frantically sucks her hand. She likes sucking her right thumb or the ring and middle fingers on her left. Often, she’ll hold her fingers in her mouth with her other hand. She’ll fuss until one of us looks at her and then she’ll break out into a huge smile and giggle. Every day when I go to get her out of her crib in the morning or after a nap, I’m greeted with a huge smile and flailing of arms as if to say “It’s you! I know you! I like you!” She’s discovered her feet and it’s hard to get her to let go of them when changing her diaper. My father-in-law once described trying to change a baby like trying to stuff an octopus into a wet mesh sack. That’s fast becoming true. She prefers her teething rings to any cold teethers and likes chewing on her blankets. She has the sweetest smile I’ve ever seen.

I can’t imagine my life without her and I can’t wait to see what happens next.

Sometimes I feel myself editing my blog because I don’t want to offend or worry anyone. I’m trying to break myself of that habit because there are some scary things in my life that I really need to talk about. Plus, I want anyone who’s gone through or going through something similar to find encouragement and know that they are not alone.

About a month ago, I realized that I was having more anxiety attacks. They were more frequent and very serious. I also had basically stopped sleeping. I would go to bed at night and lay in bed waiting for something to happen. Even after Sophie began sleeping through the night I would keep myself on alert “just in case”. My mind would race and I would get so scared. Occasionally I would doze off and wake up with a start, frantically listening to hear the baby breathing. I have always been afraid of the dark since I was a child but it was getting worse. I finally got up the nerve and told Ben about everything. He encouraged me to start finding a psychiatrist and a therapist. I knew I had to go back on medication but I felt so defeated. It feels like a step back. I did so well off of meds for about a year. Pregnancy really stabilized me and I felt like I had dodged the whole postpartum depression thing. There had to be a way for me to get through this on my own. I felt like I didn’t have enough faith in God to get me through it. I made the appointments and went while still fighting it in my head.

Now I’m back on medication and sleeping regularly. I fought it at first but I know I can be a better wife, mother and all-around person if I have a good night’s sleep. I like my doctors and I can see God moving through all of this. I know it’s going to be OK. Today was a bad day. The agoraphobia has come back. I cried the whole way to the doctor this morning and didn’t feel safe until I got home. Please keep me in your prayers and pray also for my husband. He has to deal with a lot and having an imbalanced wife can’t make things any easier.

Over the past months, I’ve been trying to become a more frugal housewife. One of the ways I’ve discovered I can help is to stop buying so many prepared / prepackaged foods. It’s much more fun and thrifty to make my own. This is my version of Hamburger Helper.

1 Pound Ground Beef (I prefer 80/20 ground chuck.)
8 oz Egg Noodles
14 oz Tomato Sauce
4 oz Chive and Onion Cream Cheese
4 - 6 oz Velveeta Cheese
1 TBSP Garlic Powder
2 TBSP Onion Powder
1 TBSP Kosher Salt
1 TBSP Black Pepper

Cook your egg noodles until al dente and drain. Brown the ground beef and drain if you prefer. I did not and it turned out fine. Add your tomato sauce and seasonings to the ground beef. I never really measure anything but I tried my best to give you a starting point. I like things heavily seasoned so you may want to cut back a bit. Cube your Velveeta and drop into the beef. Add your cream cheese and stir until creamy. Add your noodles and stir everything together. You’ll have a big skillet of tangy, beefy noodles. Ben and I gobbled up as much as we could. It’s very filling!

I looked at the last post and realized how long it’s been since I blogged. SORRY.

Sophie is getting enormous. We went to the doctor last week and she weighed 12 pounds. I suspect she’s already learned how to climb out of her crib and go get midnight snacks. Her hair gets thicker every day. It won’t be long before I can put a barrette in her hair and then maybe people will stop calling her a boy. Seriously, I get that more than you would think. One old woman asked how old “he” was when I had her butt naked on a changing table in the store. Lady, I don’t know what boys look like where you come from…anyways. She’s eating 6 ounces of formula every 4 hours (sometimes less) and we started baby food yesterday. She eats oatmeal at breakfast and dinner (7 AM and 7PM) then she gets 2 feedings of fruit and 2 of veggie. We’re introducing one new thing a week. I have a wonderful family and a God who takes care of everything. My mother had someone donate about 2 dozen baby foods (ages 6 months and up) that don’t expire until summer 2009. Then my brother cleaned out his kitchen and found even more baby food! When I went to the store yesterday I found baby food on clearance AND a coupon on her oatmeal. She’s tried bananas, applesauce and sweet potatoes. She also has green peas, butternut squash and prunes. (I HAD to get prunes. I’m just too curious.)

The doctor also confirmed that her excessive drooling and hand chewing meant that she is teething. OH JOY. She gets a little fussy every now and then but it’s taken care of with teething rings and Hyland’s Teething Tablets. I’ve heard mothers practically deify these teething tabs and I am now one of them! She drools so much that we have to keep a bib on her at all times. Almost everything she wears has a large half moon drool stain on the front.

Sophie has learned how to suck her thumb and really prefers it to pacifiers. She’ll suck on her right thumb or the fingers on her left hand. I know it’s not supposed to be good for their mouth and that it’s a bad habit to learn how to break but OH MY GOSH SHE IS SO CUTE! I love seeing a sleeping baby with her little thumb in her mouth. She sleeps about 12 hours a night and amuses herself in the morning until I come and get her. She usually takes naps during the day but it varies.

That brings me to her biggest change. We’re seeing her personality come out more and more each day.  Sophie is very curious.  She loves meeting new people and seeing new things.  Last night I took her to Burger King and she was THRILLED with the drink dispenser.  There was kicking, giggling and eyes as wide as dinner plates.  Wherever we take her she has to be sitting up and able to see everything.  However, this curiosity is coupled with a very strong will.  If Sophie wants to do something then HER WILL MUST BE DONE.  If I try to make her do something else then there is screaming, wailing, gnashing of teeth and kicking.  This makes life so terrible at times.  I love this child with every fiber of my being and I have wanted a child for so long.  It’s hard to keep it together when your beloved baby is screaming in your ear and arching her back to get away from you because you’re making her get into the carseat.  She’s also easily overstimulated.  If she is discontented in any way then the world ends in a meltdown of epic proportions.  It gets tough.

She’s 4 months old and I can’t remember a time without her.  She and Ben fill my life with such joy.  I can’t wait to see what happens next.

I spent the day with my family yesterday.  My sister ran out to get something from her car and my almost 5 year old nephew followed her. She came back in with a disturbed look on her face. Memphis had started playing on the ground and Erin told him not to play in the mud. Memphis told her that it was dirt and not mud. Then he pulled down his shorts and peed on the ground.

“Now it’s mud.”

KC: (to the cat) Oh, Boo! (beat) Booooo! Ambassador Bookins? (still nothing)

RB: You have to use her full title. (booming “alien” voice) AMBASSADOR BOOKINS MCFUZZYPANTS OF THE CAT PLANET!

KC: Of course.

UPDATE: I’m so sorry. I was just corrected again. It’s “McFurrypants”.

UPDATE #2:  According to my so-insistent-that-he’s-spitting husband, “IT’S MCFLUFFYPANTS!  IF YOU’RE GOING TO MAKE FUN OF ME THEN DO IT RIGHT!”

KC: ARGH! Every time I get into bed, I have to dodge your groping arms!

RB: It’s just what I do.

KC: You didn’t do that in middle school when I was your girlfriend.

RB: Nope. I was well into adulthood before I became a Serial Groper.

Sophie has a pretty predictable schedule. She wakes up around 6:00 and babbles while waiting for me to come and get her. She has her first bottle at 7:00. The rest of the day is usually spent in two hour increments. If Sophie is awake for more than 2 hours she has a meltdown. I watch her carefully for that first big yawn and fuss then carry her back to her crib. She’ll play in her crib and might fuss a little but falls asleep for an hour to an hour and a half. Today I laid her down and came back to the living room where I turned on the monitor. I heard her babbling and slurping on her hands. I dismissed it and told myself “At least she’s resting her body.”

Then my right side went numb, my eye began to twitch and I keeled over because I SOUND JUST LIKE MY MOTHER.

So much happened this last weekend. I’m still recovering from the awesomeness.

On Saturday, Ben had to work and run a mysterious errand. I met up with the rest of my family at a park and we had a picnic.

My parents and grandparents were there along with my brother, sister-in-law and my two nephews. My sister came and brought her man plus his three boys. All of the big boys ran around like maniacs playing with a ball, scooter and a kite. They also went down to the pond to “feed the ducks”. (AKA, pelt the ducks with bits of bread.) Aiden toddled around looking for people to charm and Sophie got passed around until she started freaking out. Finally we found someone to calm her down.

Jay and Sophie get along like gangbusters. He cuddled and walked around with her for most of the afternoon. After seeing him brush off anyone who tried to take her, I asked my sister if he was going to allow me to take my child home. We finally left when it became apparent that all of the kiddos needed naps.

Sunday was Mother’s Day. For my first Mother’s Day present ever, I received a framed picture of my husband and Sophie. It was perfect. We went to church that morning so that I could work the early service. (I volunteer in the Nursery.) My parents and grandparents met us for the late service. I hope they enjoyed it. We are NOT a traditional church. After the services were over, there was a Parent-Child dedication. Sophie looked beautiful and was actually pleasant for the majority of the ceremony! She waited to cry until our pastor began praying. After the ceremony, everyone came to my house and we met up with my sister, Jay and his boys. I made a big lunch that even the pickiest eaters liked. It’s a high compliment to a cook when there is NOTHING leftover. Again, Jay nabbed Sophie as soon as he set foot in the house. That boy is crazy about her! His boys played with Ben’s legos and one of the 3-year old twins cried when it was time to leave. I love his boys and can’t wait to see more of them.

My family is wonderful. I can’t wait for certain things to happen in the next year.